The toxic rejection sentence that’s destroying your relationships
‘….Do you wanna?’
‘I have a headache’
‘Not tonight I’m tired’
‘I’m on my monthly’
It’s a joke that’s played out on numerous sketch shows and comics go to line. I remember Chris Tarrant bringing his wife a glass of water and a paracetamol in bed. She looks confused and asks what’s that for. He replies that
‘It’s for your headache darling.’
‘But i don’t have a headache’,
she says confused. At which point he gets excited, jumps her and exclaims…
‘well that makes a bloody change!’
Whatever the reason, excuse, or down right lie this scenario is what I consider the most dangerous straight couple trap to fall into.
Firstly it’s a stereotype that sends out a terrible and damaging message to women (and men) it implies that it’s the guys that want sex, chasing the women round the kitchen table or clubbing her and putting her over his shoulder ‘cave man’ style.
Secondly, It’s insinuated that Men want sex and goal orientated sex (to finish and release as quickly as possible) and women are never in the mood, seemingly frigid and exhausted and unsexy. What’s in it for them anyway.
Seriously, look at it from the outside … if you were to tell your girlfriends that you’re never in the mood and he always is (barring the fact that there’s no underlying health issues). It would come across that your man is terrible in bed and can’t turn you on. If you say ‘oh but he is’… well why don’t you want to have sex with him then?
You’re cheating yourself of pleasure and rejecting him in the same instance… it’s toxic!
Look I’m not saying that if you’re unwell and really not in the mood you should succumb to his advances. But rejection and fear of rejection are so damaging to our psyche. Any potential sex god/goddess qualities will be quashed with constant rejection.
Would you really try to make extra effort to please someone in bed who constantly rejected you?
So what can you do?
Never ever lie there and take it, or wish for it to be over. Mentally invest or don’t, end of!
View it the same as wanting to look after your partner such as making him his favourite meal.
There’s nothing more sexy than a woman who knows what she wants and if that happens to be sex… you’ve made his day!
But ‘I’m really not in the mood!’
It’s a fact that women need to feel emotionally connected to want sex, so even starting off with a cuddle & seeing where it goes may be an idea. Equally men need sex to feel emotionally connected. Sounds like a creation design flaw but it’s just a delicate seesaw balance.
Women take longer to tune into the mood (not always) and foreplay counts as sex btw.
Remember it may be the very thing you need but just can’t see it. A bit like when you know a workout will do you the world of good and afterwards you feel amazing but before hand the thought of it isn’t as enticing.
When I’m stressed and have a lot of open tabs going on in my head the last thing I want is sex (in that moment) So what do I do….
Either before or during my partner’s advances I talk to him. I never say I don’t want sex but tell him whatever’s troubling me. This gives him understanding and also a chance to sort it out, help me with cuddles and talk.
I then feel emotionally connected because he has listened to me and safe because he has helped me. Then follows a slower make out session (never forget the simple pleasures of making out) and then 9/10 I’ll be a different frame of mind that will lead to some fun in the bedroom.
After such, I wonder why I was never in the mood to start with because my man is truly awesome in that department.
Last week I was feeling a little sad and stressed to which he gave me a cuddle and said
‘aww baby do you want me to put on your knickers, dress up and pie you’…
random, hilarious and sexy.. My mood changed instantly
If you’re really not in the mood, yet still find your partner attractive, then a lower libido might be the thing and of course this needs addressing with a professional (1000’s of reasons)
Remember that good sex is one of life’s bonuses. Starving yourself, being a martyr stereotype could cause more damage than you realise.
Never ever pull the ‘I have a headache card’ (unless of course you do) & always communicate communicate communicate
Have you ever used the headache line or gone through the motions just to please your partner… leave a comment below and let’s hear it!